MOM DIED.

My father, who was a Head teacher at one of the rural secondary schools liked travelling long distances at night or very early in the morning to attend Teachers meetings in different education zones which were very far from where we lived. Those were some of the most dreadful moments of my life, when he travelled at night or very early in the morning. We all hated it, loathed every second of what we had to go through as we waited for him to get back home safely.   I and my siblings would crump up together on the sofa or on someone’s bed waiting for his knock the knock which would assure as of that he was alive and well.  No one said it out loud, but all knew what each of us was thinking at that particular moment, the silence among us was loud enough to be heard by our souls, the fear of losing the only parent we had.

I lost my mother when I was young, 7/8 years old I don’t  really remember when, and it’s unfortunate that I  can’t  also tell if the reason is because I was  too young to remember or we just didn’t or talk about it much. After we went to bury my mother, we returned home, never talked about it, we avoided the topic, never mentioned or talked about it, the only time I have talk about her is when I say my name, my middle name, which I rarely do. And I don’t remember getting scared, sad, feeling lonely after she died, it was as if I became numb to any feeling.

Back to my point, as I grew order, I realized how the death of my mother affected me and my siblings, more than we could acknowledge.  That is just my assumption since I  can’t ask my siblings, we don’t talk about it even if we were to talk about it, I don’t know where we would start from or what we would talk about.Ever since she died we have never talked about her, my dad tries to talk about her, maybe once a year but the story ends with him,  we just nod, stare at him and if one of us is brave enough he or she just smiles.

I usually had dreams, they stopped when I was about 18 or 19, recurring dreams, dreams about my mother being dead but coming back to life, in the dreams I always asked where she was and she would say she went away and now back, and when I woke up had to face the reality that she was in fact dead and won’t be coming back. All these years I have acted very tough, bottled up my feelings now and what I really felt when I lost my mother and how it affected me. Unfortunately, I grew up with the same fear I had when my dad travelled at night, the fear of losing my father or my sibling and someone close to me except this time. This time around it’s different and hard since I face it alone, at night in bed. When my brother says he has a headache, it eats me up, when I hear my father has been un well  and hasn’t visited the hospital yet, it ruins my day or when my sister is travelling somewhere far, I lose concentration until I know she has arrived safely. I stay up all night thinking about it, my heart races and each time my heart beats it seems to be reminding me of what could happen, what could go wrong ,what if’s? I get anxious in the middle of the night, scared for no reason.

 When I came face to face with the situation, my feelings then and now it’s important to openly talk about it with children or anyone else who has been directly affected by the death of a loved one. Talk about how it might have affected them, will affect them and how things will no longer be the same. I have noticed that for most families when someone dies, the family mourns, bury the dead and get on with your lives, pretending as if everything nothing happened and that everything  will go back to normal, they never talk about it ,they just  avoid it all together. Lost life should be cerebrated, talked about and not ignored.

 I know there is no right way to grieve over someone, but usually with children, they don't really know how to grieve, yes they cry over the lost parent for a day or two, but that is not   enough, they need someone to help them come face to face with their feelings. Someone to  allow them and help them adjust to the new situation. Otherwise if children are not allowed to grieve for the lost parent,  they try as much as possible to detach themselves from the situation, become depressed, suffer from anxiety etc. With me, as i already said, i didn't give it much thought, lived my life and try as much to distract myself from the reality of losing a parent  , by then i thought it was normal to have the dreams i kept having about my mother being gone and coming back .I would encourage the living parent, guardians and anyone around to be there for the children, not just physically but emotionally. Children should be assisted through all the stages of the grieving process, from denial to acceptance, until they are comfortable enough to adjust themselves physically,emotinally and psychologically.

Let me below how you dealt with the loss of a parent in the comment box below.